tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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