i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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