my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
