u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Sober January is a disaster.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
