did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
