I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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