all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
