I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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