First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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