i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
