If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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