dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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