so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
