just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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