Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
