I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
