oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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