Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
