Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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