He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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