Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
