Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
