3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize