Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
