My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
