I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
