i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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