Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize