just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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