hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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