oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
