He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize