i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
