dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
