i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
