omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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