If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
