I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
