i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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