i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
