I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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