you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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