This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
