Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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