nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
