i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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