Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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