At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
