My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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