I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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