Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
