She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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