dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
