I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
