Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
