What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
