I could make wine with my vomit
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
