I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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