Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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