Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
